


David's "Blooper Reel"

by jbhughes54enwiler



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Major Original Character(s), Original Character(s), Original Character-centric, bloopers, non-canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:53:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22108906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbhughes54enwiler/pseuds/jbhughes54enwiler
Summary: Tired of all the emotions and drama with my David and the Crystal Gems dual-AU system?  Then watch as the cast of Redemption from a Dark World goes bananas "on set!"  I wrote this to give me some comic relief when writing the particularly emotional scenes in David's Memories: The Day the Gems Invaded.  Trust me, it's hilarious.  And Extremely non-canon to the RFADW universe.  Have fun, and a good laugh!
Kudos: 1





	David's "Blooper Reel"

David's "Blooper Reels"

Author's Notes: So as I was writing the “Memories” series, I decided I wanted to create some comic relief for myself while I was writing some really serious or emotional stuff. So I took the whole “screenplay” format I’ve been using for the whole series literally and wrote a mock blooper reel for various scenes from the memories, and one from the Epilogue of Redemption from a Dark World for good measure. So you can definitely notice that David’s “actor” is really playful on-set, as all of these “bloopers” are initiated by him. That guy can’t resist a good joke, especially when the camera’s rolling! Oh yeah, the Gems are being played by real Gems too, and they all (Except for Yellow Diamond) love to play along with David’s on-set antics. So yeah, have fun and enjoy! I might make more of these if I get more ideas...

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Director: Take 32, and… Action!

Beep!

The soldiers surround David in the Diamond Base's arena set.

David: Uhhh... SWEET RAVE PARTY!

EDM starts playing out of the set speakers, the spotlights rapidly change color, and David starts dancing. The soldiers are dumbstruck, but one by one, they start dancing too.

Yellow Diamond: *Facepalm*

Director: Cut!

At the bass drop, Rose Quartz jumps into frame, head banging to the beat, and dances in duet with David.

David: Yeah, you got this, Rose!

Yellow Diamond: I give up. (Walks off-stage)

BEEEP!

The holo fusion during the 3rd wave of the Gem Soldier's Trial creates a fittingly giant sword.

David: Aw man! I call hacks!

Many Gems in the audience start laughing, including Steven and Blue Diamond.

David: What?

Pearl: (Walks over to David from the stands) Did you even read the script this morning?

David: Uhh… maybe…?

Director: CUT! David, your line is "I'm SO going to die! No ad-libbing today, this isn't that kind of production!

BEEEP!

David: (In his cage on the Diamond Base set; Yellow Diamond and Peridot are outside struggling to comprehend what's on Peridot's Gem screen) 

Gee, it sure is boring around here!

Yellow Diamond: Shut up, human!

David: I just wonder what Evil Quartz is up to!

Peridot: (Looks at the script displayed on her screen, and decides to play along) My Diamond, rouge Quartz soldiers have taken over the island of Kuradai.

Yellow Diamond: (Gives up on resisting and reads her lines off of Peridot’s holo-screen) Hmm... How can we stop them?

Peridot: (Shows Yellow her display) It is written... Only Human 12-3A can defeat the Quartz soldiers.

Yellow Diamond and David in unison: WHAT!?

David: Uhhh... I guess I'll grab my stuff...?

Peridot: There's no time! Your sword is enough.

Peridot and David enter a Gem ship and take off.

David: Wow, who are all those Gems?

Peridot: These are the Evil Quartzes. You must conquer each.

David: I guess I better get going!

Peridot: Here is the Map! (Hands David a Gem holo-projector, which opens into a GPS map of the filming location)

BEEEP!

David is on the ruined Henleaf Town set with a voice-changer microphone in his hand. He over-dramatically drops to his knees in front of his mom's skeleton.

David: (With a low-pitch voice filter) NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

People off-camera start laughing.

Director: And, cut!

David: And the Oscar goes to...!

David's Mom: (Off-camera) David Wesley Heatherson!

David: Mom! You're alive!

Yellow Diamond: (Steps into frame) She most certainly is not!

Evil Quartz: (Also enters the frame) Before you get any fun ideas, fleshie, none of this is canon. But this is! (Pulls out her sword)

David: Augh! (Starts running away) You're not supposed to kill me till the next episode!

Evil Quartz: I don't care! I'm having human tonight!

David: But you don't even eat!!

Amethyst: (From off screen) Sorry, kid! I taught her how to make a digestive system last night!

David: You did WHAT!? THIS CRAZY BITCH IS GONNA EAT ME!!

Evil Quartz: (Scottish accent) GET IN MAH BELLEH!!

David: ROSE!!! HELP ME!!!! (Lots of laughter can be heard behind the camera as David sprints past the camera, nearly knocking it over)

Evil Quartz: Rose can't save you! She's filming on the north lot!

David: Shit!

Yellow Diamond: Hey! No eating humans, soldier, and that is an order from your Diamond!

Evil Quartz: (Comes to a stop, and snaps her fingers) Aww, man!

David: (Also stops running) Thanks for the save, Yellow!

Yellow Diamond: (Smug) She's still going to kill you tomorrow.

David: Drat!

BEEEP!

David gets "stabbed" through the chest from behind by Evil Quartz, and "blood" spurts from the packets hidden inside his bandages. He makes choking noises, as per the script, but soon his face puffs up and he bursts out laughing.

Director: Cut!

David: EXCUSE me, I'm "DYING" over here!

Evil Quartz: (Laughing) You humans are so funny! That's it! I don't want to be the villain anymore! (Shouts off-stage) Steven! Take me to Little Homeschool!

David: (Still "impaled" by the sword) Conflict resolved, the series is over!

Rose Quartz: (From her bush in the background) Yay!

BEEEP!

David: (Addressing the reader) Well, that’s all for today, folks! David and the Crystal Gems is filmed in front of a live studio audience! (Author’s note: No, it’s not) And always remember, NEVER try any of this at home! No, seriously, I came close to dying SO many times. Oh, and like my friend Evil Quartz said, none of this is canon! See ya!

End of reel.


End file.
